Now, Where Was I?

It’s been a year. Actually it seems like more than a year. But as I look at the date of my last post, it’s just shy of 12 months.

Where have I been you might ask? After 18 months of health challenges, family challenges, death and turmoil, I needed a break. I needed to withdraw. I needed to sort out how to fill the well, and ask why. Why am I still trying to have a career as a musician when all signs point somewhere else?

As it turns out, WHY is a very important question to ask.

There comes a point in every musicians’ life when they need to address this question, or it gets addressed for you. Joy starts to leave the experience of the thing you cherish most. Logistics take up too much emotional space, lists of unending tasks to manage your “business” of being an artist. Sometimes, the artist just needs to be.

When I broke my ankle in February of 2025, it was a devastating blow to my momentum. I had a myriad of shows planned that I had been waiting several months to organize, a high profile incubator series for artist development and well, of course, LIFE. I was also just a few months into a new job with an organization I admire and respect. I could no longer put on my own pants, take a shower by myself, prepare my own food or sit comfortably in most places in the house. I was at the proverbial rock bottom.

I wallowed for the first few weeks. I couldn’t journal, I did nothing but numb myself and ask the universe-WHY ME!!!!!

It was a pattern I have developed over a lifetime. I would make plans, and then life would happen. Most times, I could not see around the obstacles. I know I have spoken about this before, and I heard it again this morning on a podcast about overcoming hopelessness-the obstacle must become the path instead of the obstruction. As I reviewed all the moments in the past 26 years that left me hopeless, I let these feelings act as instructions rather than information. But what I didn’t realize was that they didn’t obfuscate the goal, the simply shifted the goal slightly to the right or left. Every time we say “why me”, we lose out on an important push from the universe; The swing we are on loses momentum and we are left hanging on the swing set. Lonely and afraid.

And so, I started to see the glimmers of why as I lay there in my bed. Yes, it was another lonely time locked inside the 4 walls that had been my prison during Covid. My husband catering to my needs and me just letting things go, one by one. No control. Just being. It was the most awesome of releases, but unfortunately it didn’t last. My need for control started to eek it’s way back in and while things were better than before, I still couldn’t see. I had value in being. Just BE-ING. That no matter how many times I woke up my teen so she didn’t miss her bus, or do something for my 8 year old instead of letting her fail, I wouldn’t feel better about myself. No matter how the glasses were put away or the food that we ate was going to kill us. The only way to truly accept my value was to NOT DO.

This holiday season, I was forced to let go once more. I pray that it’s the final blow-that I can finally see myself in the mirror and let the flood in the well overflow all around me. Onto the people I love, my family-my friends-my audience. So much water in the well right now it’s hard to know what to do first. I let go of my to do lists, i pared down what I am committed to, because I have worth. My time on earth is valuable. My purpose is clear.

It might not be why after all. It might be why not?